I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most
people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it
comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool
who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing..
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.. It pays no
attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?
Questions that really need answers...
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car-pool lane?
6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?
8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,
why didn't he just buy dinner?
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
the same tune?
14. Stop singing and read on.........
15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his
head out the window?
17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
18. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
19. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address in the